What I Thought Was Happening

This relationship happened over the course of one year.

From friendship to crush to being in love, we met on Discord. It felt astounding to find to each other the way we did. How many video games are there in the world? How many gaming servers? How many gamers? And yet, there we were, together on Discord---the only social media platform for either of us. To find another person to whom we could both relate so freely, to connect emotionally, physically and spiritually beyond the grey screen---this was wholly unexpected. And our connection was undeniable---from the micro to the macro, we were constantly surprised not only at the commonalities we shared but at our visceral, physical response to each other from more than 3000 miles away. A few innocuous words from the other would produce tingles and shudders and shivers. We honestly didn't know what was happening! Within our similarities were also epic differences---and these differences made us look beyond circumstances to something more real than money, politics and status: a true connection of the heart. The whole thing was just one expansive experience after another (not all happy, mind you---lots of tears were shed on both sides throughout our relationship.)

We changed each other permanently through our interaction---and love, at it's best, is transformational. 

We believed, at first, that the way we experienced one another (online, text only) was something wholly unique to this day and age. However, it has been revealed that how we interacted is very much rooted in historical precedent. The exchange of letters is one of the original forms of communication between lovers who find themselves separated by circumstance. At no time did we talk on the phone or even video chat: our relationship was 100% written--not just chat, but full-on letters. It is simply what unfolded between us and we became very good at it. We both happen to be highly creative, intelligent, disciplined and intense people. We would not settle for anything mediocre in the face of what we found in each other. We made an entire universe to live in on Discord. A place we could go to be together; a place that was constant and reliable. We invented the world we wanted to live in--both fantastic and rational. We went on real dates, we interacted with characters we created, we wrote poetry together, we made art together, we talked about nothing, we talked about everything, we adventured, discovered and reveled in our world. It was not a world without conflict but it was a world for which we felt especially skilled. We had observed separately that a place for our true selves (as human beings) was something we could not find in our culture. These vacancies were slowly chipping away at us---in ways that were far more significant than we realized---until we met each other. 

Whether or not what we had in white words on a dark grey background could ever have translated into us being in love face to face is a point of contention both for us and the people who witnessed our story. Perhaps we could only exist in the digital realm. Regardless, since we were unable to cross out of Discord, we will never know. 

But I believe this. This was a real-life virtual love affair. There was nothing artificial about it. It was more irl than a lot of other relationships I've witnessed. What we shared, while we could, was beautiful, whole and complete---and the love we found was not created by us, but an eternal thing channeled through us. 

There is more than one path to love, but for us, while we were together, it was each other. 

My only goal here is to share the erotic writings we amassed in our attempt to be as intimate as possible while living so far away from each other. While our love story itself is interesting, I'm not prepared to make that public. However, I did find that erotic writing was important to me and I wanted to continue with it even after we parted.

I will start at the beginning. 

Perhaps our relationship could not take the strain of the self-imposed limitations, but art---well...art knows of no such boundary. 

For the half I hid from myself, click here